Guess What, You Work Here Too

So, uh, let me get this straight, Mr. Man who has called me twice this morning in the span of 30 minutes:

You want me to look up something that you can totally look up on your own RIGHT NOW, because I know you're using your laptop.  You just sent me an email, so you can't try to lie and say you are not using said laptop.  I can see you in my mind's eye, drinking whatever bullshit drink you drink in the morning that isn't coffee and thinking "hey, I'll call this girl because I'm a total dick and she'll be skerred of me."  Ha.  You obviously haven't met me, asshat.

Furthermore, you already sent me that email 3 days ago.  No, I'm not opening it, genius.  It only tells me more irrelevant information that you will need, not I. 

Let's put this little gem of a conversation to bed right now, you worthless, shiftless, "I-enjoy-making-others-do-my-work" bastard:  Just No.  I am not doing this thing for you.  If you haven't learned how to use the system, that is not my problem.  Here, let me tell you how real quick, it's eeeeeeeeaaasssssyyyy.

Had you actually spent the amount of time you spent dialing the phone looking up this information on your own instead, you would have a) found out said info all by your wittle self and b) not had to deal with the fact that I have no time for your lazy ass. 

Internal customers:  I am indeed friendly when you attempt.  But let me clue you in to a little idiosyncrasy of mine.  You have to actually make an effort or, you know, endure and suffer through the conversation you are about to have with me.  FYI, bee tee dubs, totes cereal.  Suck it up and makey your fingers do some workey.

Your Lack of Intelligence is Mesmerizing

Wow, are you dumb.  I've never seen anything quite like it.  Did your parents let you run through the streets sans shoes and eat nothing but mud for dinner every day?  I mean, there can only be so many explanations for the level of stupid you are.  Maybe aliens inhabit your body, and aliens are apparently way less smart than we think. If I could be any more appalled at your stupidity I would surprise myself.  You are on the same trajectory as a single-celled animal or (okay, I'll give you *some* credit) prehistoric humanoids.  This phrase hasn't been used since 1902, but EGADS.

What happens when you go out in public?  How do you interact with, say, salespeople or the guy at the oil change place?  Do they just give you a candy and pat you on the head?  How do you drive?  Do you understand that red means stop and green means go, or do you think of your car as an extension of your playhouse?  For fuck's sake, I really am mortified yet strangely drawn to the idea of following you around for an entire day.  I must see how you do it.

Surely, moving through the world behind those shiny yet completely blank eyes has to be a constant struggle for you.  I shudder to think of you negotiating anything more difficult than a fruit roll-up.  Even that could prove very time-consuming, what with the packaging and the way it sticks to itself.  At some point, a kind soul took what must have been all 32 of your previous years to teach you how to spell "lol" and to perhaps sound out the words on a Happy Meal container.  Gods bless this person, for he or she must have the patience of a Tibetan monk.  Life is a challenge for you, no doubt, as you wander aimlessly through the very tiny confines of your mind, looking for glitter, hoping for a magic talking dog to tell you all the secrets you've been dying to learn.

Oh honey, I pity you, and yet the fact that you have birthed children makes me want to strangle you in an alley, leaving nothing else to chance.